Do you ever have times in your life where you feel like everything you look at is sending you a message? And every message lines up with all the others you're seeing? That's been happening to me for awhile, but especially in the last two weeks. But the most profound thing I've come across so far has been this poem by Danielle LaPorte, that showed up in my email inbox and stole the breath from my body:
focus (a poem for sacred prioritizing)
We dance ’round fires to pray for others to change,
and we change our names so that a reality we don’t truly want will let us in the door.
When we should be burning fears, tattooing our declarations, and praying for the courage to reign the terrain of our purest potential.
I feel like there is a force inside of me just asking to be released, to be nurtured and allowed to grow. This online space is asking for more attention, my fledgling freelance business is asking for more attention, and my lifelong desire for travel and adventure is asking for more attention.
While I do love my college and am a year and a half from graduating, I don't feel like this is the right place for me to be right now. I'm entertaining the idea of taking a semester off from college because my soul is yearning to go into a more creative exploration of myself, of life, and of the world. I want to see what I can do with Spikes and Stardust, with helping people all over the world with my freelance work, to see what new corners of my country and others I can briefly call home. To me the decision to embark on this journey in the beginning of 2015 makes perfect sense -- a new chapter for a new year.
But it isn't that easy.
If i decide to go down this path, it means withdrawing from college and hoping that I'll be accepted if I reapply as a returning student down the line. It means planning out what I would do, where I would go. It means figuring out budgets, living expenses, how I'll be able to start paying on my student loans if I decide to stay out of college for longer than six months. It means going out into the world and standing on my own two feet in a way that I never have before. And it's frightening in a way I can't quite put into words, all of the "real-world implications" that I need to figure out as soon as possible piling up.
There's a space in my heart that feels so calm and tranquil since I realized it was an option. A part of me that quietly believes that no matter what the world gives me once I make the decision, I'll be able to handle it. With that knowledge, there's still a huge decision to be made. So many factors to bring into play. And I don't know what the right answer is. I know what I want to do, what I feel like could be an amazing move in my life, but I have no way to guarantee that it won't backfire in terrible ways.
What would happen if I just said yes? If I opened myself up to the universe and saw what it had to offer me?
I haven't made my decision quite yet, but I'm exploring it from every angle. But whatever I do decide, to stay in school or to take a semester off, it will be because I know that is the right decision for me at this time.